oh yeah, so where were we . . . oh, yeah: THE CAKE WAR.


which can be broken down further, as:




4. (real) food cake vs. (assumed) mortal portal

5. construction-ism vs. deconstruction-ism

and how an art work, and a cake – can have a life of their own.

meet the players. TERRENCE KOH.

on the right: HESH aka HASH HALPER
with MARI, left, and OMKAR LEWIS.

the line up. ok: TERRENCE is dressed in trademark power white and is a genuine celeb, but HESH comes accompanied by a power bro in his corner, as in his real-life sibling, OMKAR LEWIS who just happens to be a genuine VEDIC SCIENCE consultant and serious student of Indian Astrology (Jyotisha) and if you recall, it was he who initially alerted us to the very auspicious return of SATURN. so I’d call that: a match.
just waiting to be lit.

the conceptual conflict began innocently enough. I note a flat square metal artwork – that looks to be a slightly oversize CD from an alien planet – that is all the more striking for the handmade ambiance it radiates – despite its metallic origin.
the hand penciled artist credit – on the lower left says: GFY H.
go fuck yourself ? could that H mean the notorious Mr. H is lurking about. I’m betting: yes !!

and yes. it’s a ‘smart’ piece, alright !! it proclaims: PORTALS and in the center, there’s a black rectangle ‘door’. ok, it’s really a large golden capital ‘H’ – no diff. and where it’s leading – I want to go . . . esp with those 2 sun signs bookending the top edges. mental, spiritual, digital. planetary. who cares. portals, plural even ? I’m in. earth’s a goner.

ever the curiouser-er I go in for a closer look-see. is it attached to the art stand / pedestal ? like pure magic, outta nowhere a hand swoops in and picks it up. yes. it is just barely free form, unattached, and 3d !!
there is a mysterious ‘stairway to heaven’ photo . . .
and it’s signed on the reverse: HASH HALPER and dated 2/12/12 . . upside down of course. and the hand ? the hand belongs to HESH, who else !!

not too soon afterward, the CAKE arrives. it’s not so hard to put two and two together. the cake bearer wears all white, and the cake is all white and super lush, smart, and high end. it even has white birthday candles and they are lit. it’s gotta be TERRENCE KOH. it’s leap year night baby – this has to say: happy birthday . . . to all ya leapers !!
and I don’t give it a second thought. except of course a mental nod to: one super slick mysterious lude. I mean dude.

the CLASH of the cultures.
the ultimate ‘mash-up’ between a cake and a concept ?
next I know: well a picture is worth a thousand words, what happened ?

long story short: seems that the empty pedestal where Hesh had parked his ‘portal’ was too good to be true. it was empty for a reason – it was waiting for that tour de force cake of Mr. Koh’s, it wasn’t just any pedestal – it was a (designated) cake stand !!

and nobody, but nobody owned up to any actions, like ? such as sweeping the interloper art work off the pedestal, or taking revenge and picking that piece of art off the ground . . . and back at ya !!

it was as if Mr. K meets Mr. H and voila: volatile, is the word. like flame to fire. “let it burn.”
and yeah, metal takes down cake.

but what a beautiful war.
if only all wars could be fought like that.

and in a way . . it had a happy ending.
somewhere along the way of the dirty deed, someone had licked their fingers, and realized not only was it a real cake. (you never know). but it was a REAL REAL REALLY GOOD !! CAKE !!
(looks they even used the enemy ‘portal’ to cut the cake, too. ha.)

word spread, and that cake got devoured. and I mean d-e-v-o-u-r-e-d. despite the lack of utensils or napkins. and polite company all around. I mean it could have just sat there throughout the entire exhibit and slowly decomposed and gone rancid – which would have been a shame. and probably what I’m thinking Terrence originally envisioned ? but then, I ask myself why did he get such a great cake. maybe that’s the irony of it ?
it’s been done plenty times before.

name one time ? my very fav !! STEFAN SAGMEISTER and his wall quilt made of yellow bananas left to slowly rot . . .

the end.
and then just as quick as it had happened, the drama was done and over, and completely forgotten. in a blink. everybody just walked away. no bloodshed. no bouncing. no curator hysterics. (I think they missed the action, truthfully, just as well) . . . no finger pointing. Mr. H was all smiles – his caper had had real finesse. as for Mr. Koh – well his cake had a story line. all was good in the world again, just no more cake. and the cake eaters, well they were happy too.
yeah, for sure, one look at their grinning faces, and I swiped a fingerful too. camera in hand and all. where did he score that cake ? it was top flight – yum.
I never saw so much satisfaction – come out of such complete destruction. what a night.
depressing ? NOT !! no way. quelle fun.

it’s funny. the ‘portal’ ended back up on the cake stand / pedestal . . . full circle. I guess metal trumps cake.

and then Hesh picks up his ‘portal’ like as if it were a remote controlled ‘art’ drone, after a successful strike… even he, is amazed at the run.

Mr. H meets Mr. K – and it’s win win. They both win… hey, like the unhappy art critic at the NEW YORK TIMES called it, there is nobody cooler than these dudes. Terrence Koh walks on water. he’s so cool. well at least this time. go easy on the knees, man. and I mean that in a good way. he is lighter than air, just like his cake. and way smarter than you – any day. look at how he just let his piece . . take off and have a life of its own. lit candles and all.
hats off . . . to hands off. I’m serious. you gotta be a feather. you gotta fly light.

there should only be more wars that end with sugar icing on your fingers, as opposed to bloodshed on the ground.

PHOTOS: NANCY SMITH, Brucennial 2012, NYC. Feb 29, 2012